The Twisted Chronicles of Neville Longbottom
by inky
Summary: Neville wants to take over the world? I think enough is said...
1. The Twisted Chronicles of Neville Longbo...

  
The Twisted Chronicles of Neville Longbottom  
  
Ginny sat by the windowseat, dreamily thinking of her true love Harry, whom she knew she'd never have… "Oh," she sighed unhappily, "The object of my desire shall not requite my love!!!! Oh the agony, the abject despair! When come the day that I shalt be upon my deathbed and cry 'Harry, o Harry, you never did love me, and now it is too late!' I hope he cries out in remorse that it is too late to love me, Ginny Weasley and that he feels guilt for evermore!!!" Ginny was quite aware that not only was she talking to herself, but she was speaking in such a dramatic tone mixed with old english here and there that she would not be surprised if she were going mad. But now it just turned into a little girl tantrum, which she knew was wrong for 17 year old to experience. "Why, Why, Why does nobody love me?" She wailed. Suddenly, Ron could be heard, unlocking the house door, and her oh so sweet privacy to lament was banished. Dashing for the kleenex box, she quickly wiped away her tears, went to the kitchen sink, and rinsed her face, dried it, and appeared at the door ready and waiting with the flakiest smile. "Hi, Ron!" She said with mock cheerfulness, when he opened the door. "Ginny, you never were the best actress. What's wrong this time?" Suddenly she could feel it, the flood of pain rushing up her body. She was going to cry. Oh no, oh no. Think quickly. She told herself. I can't let him know what's wrong. So much for thinking quickly: unfortunately, Ginny was never really quite the brightest bulb in the house. Throwing herself into Ron's arms, she cried into his shoulder. "Who, there. Okay, Ginny. What the hec is wrong?" He said backing away slowly. "Don't be scared! I'm only going mad!" She was about to throw herself into his arms again when he said, this is something we definitely need to talk about. Seating her down, he said, "Start from the very beginning, Gin." When Ginny finally got a hold of herself, she said, "Ron, what's the best way to get a guy?"  
  
***  
  
"Neville, dear, come here." "What is it Grams?"Neville sighed with exasperation. How many times would he have to go through this? "You have something between your teeth. I said come here." "GRANDMA!" Unwillingly the boy dragged himself humiliated over to his grandmother. Lifting his face with her gnarled hand, she said, "open up, boy." Neville attempted to struggle out of her grip but didn't want to admit that his grandma was stronger than he was. Taking a toothpick from her pocket, the scrawny old woman jammed it into the gap between his teeth where a piece of broccoli was caught from lunch. "YEOW!" Neville cried. "Jesus, Grams! You're gonna rip my gums out!!!" Obviously ignoring this angry remark, Grandmother Hepsiba smiled, and said, "There we go! Now that's a good boy." Wiping off the toothpick on her skirt, she walked away with satisfaction. " I can't wait till the day she dies!" Neville grinned to himself. "Seeing that she's got hardly any more years to live, I can't wait till that mad woman's dead. Then I won't have a nagging old woman at my back all the time, and I'll keep all the money, honey!!!! Oooh, that'll be the day. There's not much long to wait!!!" And the scary part was, was that he really meant it.   
***  
  
"Oh, Harry! Hermione sighed breathily. "I love you!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop with the mush, will you?"Harry said irratatedly pushing her away. "How many times do we have to go through this? Quit telling me how much you love me. I get the picture. I'm not an idiot, you know." Hermione was about to put in a word or two at that remark, but fortunately, Harry stopped her just in time. "Yeah, I know, that's what you fell in love with me for, because you thought it was cute. Women! They are neverending enigmas!" Hermione looked a little hurt, but Harry just said nonchalantly, "Look, I like you too, but do you see me ranting and raving about it?" "LIKE me? Is that all? Oh, Harry! I'll never understand you!" Hermione stomped out of her own house and slammed the door. " You just watch," Harry said to himself. "After lunch, she'll forget all about this, and come back mushing all over again." Opening the door, he called out, "Um, Hermione? This IS your house, you know." "Oh, right," she blushed.   
Hermione came back into her house. Suddenly her facial expression changed to a smile. Harry foreboded what would come next. Oh man, he thought, I think Hermione just went to board the Teenage Hormone Rollercoaster ride again. She's suddenly happy. What else could it be but hormones? She's hormones on wheels. "Harry, I'm so glad you could stay with us over the summer! And now I get to hang out with my number one boyfriend!" I don't think the girl has any others. Harry thought. "And, and, OOOOH Harry!!!" She was about to throw her arms around his neck when he quickly made an excuse. "Er, weren't you just mad at me a few minutes ago?" Hermione stopped, putting down her arms. "Oh yeah." She said with a grim expression on her face. I tell you. Teenage girls are like jekyll one minute, and Hyde the next. But Hermione quickly forgot about her anger again. " I love…" "You love me, I know," Harry sighed with obvious irritation. "Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry. I really am. I just do all that because I think you're not getting enough love. You know, from Aunt Petunia, and Uncle Vernon, and all…" "Believe me, Hermione. I get enough love from you that could equal the love of the entire worldly population." "Harry!" she squealed, upset. "Please don't use your sarcasm on me! I don't want to be the one always giving, giving, giving, and you always taking!" "Oh, you give, alright," laughed Harry. "Look, Hermione. I thought I loved you at the beginning, of our relationship, but now, I just can't STAND you! Maybe if you didn't have to fall over me with your dramatic mushiness 24/7, it would be a little more pleasant to be around you. But somehow, I just don't think that's possible. I used to love you doing that---most guys do, but frankly, I'm starting to get a little tired of it now. 'Harry, you're so cute, I just love it when you do that; Harry, are you sure you'll be alright going there alone?; Harrykins, I'm worried about you!; Oh, Harry, just think how it'll be when we're married!!!'" For a few moments, Hermione just sat on the couch, stiff as a raw potato, speechless, just listening to Harry trying to imitate her voice, but sounding like a drunk weasel. "Well, I never!" Harry tried to stifle a wicked smile. This is it. This is the moment I've been waiting for. " I deserve to find someone who appreciates me, someone of higher class than you who has the intelligence to keep me!" She cried. "Good luck finding that someone," Harry muttered. Hermione was about to stomp out of the house again, when, luckily, she reminded herself that it was her own home. Running into the guest room, she grabbed Harry's suitcase, came back, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him to the door which she flung open. "OUT!" she cried, pointing her finger to the front lawn. Seeing Harry just standing there smirking, she repeated herself. "OUT, I SAID!!!" Harry didn't move. Obviously, he was enjoying himself. The wide stupid grin stayed on his face. "Can't I just stay a little longer? Your couch is really comfortable. Where did you buy it?" Enraged, Hermione shoved him out the door, sending rolling and toppling down the brick stairs to the lawn, and threw his suitcase out along with him. When Harry and his suitcase both finally hit the soft grass, the door slammed with a large BANG. Then Harry did something he'd never done before. Getting on his knees and putting himself in a praying position toward the sky, he cried, "I'm free at last!" Then, he got on his feet, started dancing around and enthusiastically snapping his fingers, and belted out the lyrics to "Oh, Happy Day."  
  
  



	2. The Twisted Chronicles of Neville Longbo...

(CREDITS: All the characters in these Chronicles are those of the oh so worshipped J.K Rowling)  
  
  
***  
"Listen, Gin, do I look like a venus man trap to you?" "No, Ron, you idiot. Did it ever enter your mind that you are a guy, so you know how they think?" "You mean, we think. Us guys." "What the hec do you think I mean? So do you have any ideas?" "Well, yeah. Obviously, there must be something wrong with your appearance. I mean, you're sweet and all, but most boys at your age like girls that are really pretty. Not to say that you…" Apparently, thought Ron, that was the wrong thing to say, as Ginny threw another fit and dashed to her room to weep into her pillow. Yelling behind her, she said, "You're worse than Dr. Laura, and I hate you!" Ron became very distressed at his thoughtless remark. "Look, I didn't mean….. by the way, who's Dr. Laura?"  
  
  
Neville's Grandmother stood in his bedroom doorway, with her hands on her hips. "Neville, what are you doing? I told you to mow the lawn. If you do, I'll make you a nice plate of cookies and some fresh milk. MMm! MMm! And then we can play a game of wizard bridge."   
  
Oh, joy! Some nice milk and cookies, a nice game of bridge, maybe a 1950's tv show here and there, and a surprise prune juice feast with Grammies! And this can be my reward for mowing the lawn-it certainly is worth it!!! Neville thought to himself with mock joy. Who does she think I am? One of her friends who can make conversations about nothing but heart attacks and their dead friends? Why do I always have to do what she wants me to do? Plus, she interrupted my notes… Neville stared down at his piece of paper on his desk.  
  
Ways to steal from Grams:  
  
a) spike prune juice, then when is asleep, steal money from kitchen drawer, and run-off to become a millionaire  
b) whack over head with cane, knocking unconcious, and grab money from safe (code:4,5,6) thus (see above)  
c) pop sleeping powder(from canister with title, Warning: may cause drowsiness) into porridge and(see above)  
  
Ha! Once I accomplish one of these plans, it means I won't have to wait till the woman's dead. I'll just run off, thus (see above). Then I can begin my road to fame of becoming the darkest wizard known to earth. OOOOh, Voldie will be soooo jealous!!!!!! Once I have the money, I'll gain the power, and once I have the power, I will be intimidating, and no matter what I do, people will be mighty frightened. So be afraid , be very afraid, all people of the wizarding world! "Mwahahahahahaha!" "Neville, dear, did you say something?" Gran said, as she head out of his room down the hall. Oops. Perhaps I said that last part a bit loudly…..  
  
As Neville headed to the lawn at last. Oooh, Neville, you are a wicked, wicked boy! I'm liking it! And he was. But there was one problem. He knew how to use a muggle lawn mower, because it was easier for his mind to comprehend…. But if he couldn't even mow by magic, then how could he become the most powerful dark wizard in the world? This took some contemplating. I'll have to bust my butt to learn as much of magic and the dark arts as possible. Hogwarts will not be enough. I'll only use defense against the dark arts there, and who wants that? I'd rather be practicing this romantic art!!! Now, not only will I have to learn dark arts, and steal gram's money to get a place of my own and establish my own reputation, but……every rich and powerful man needs a young, beautiful girl to keep him company….and I think I know who my woman is going to be! Now, how to kidnap the bride….  
  
  
The summer was almost over, and ending on a good note, Harry thought happily to himself, as he boarded the knight bus to Diagon Alley, where he would stay at the Leakey Cauldron till the beginning of his school semester. When He got settled in a seat on the bus, he quickly wrote a letter to Ron that he would be staying in the Leakey Cauldron , and if Ron could pick him up on his way to platform 9 ¾ to board the Hogwarts Express. He also wrote about his experience with Hermione. Then he opened Hedwig's cage (Hedwig who was impatient to get out, and angry at being ignored almost all summer, gladly flew out with the letter to send to Ron). Harry thought how terrible it would have been if he had stayed with Hermione all summer like they had planned(or rather that she had planned.) But he was safe now…. That is…. Safe until the beginning of school when he would have to see her again. I hope her hormones become useful for once so that she can forget about our fight, and we can be friends again. Although after   
  
all the things he'd said to her, he doubted she'd even want to be his friend. Harry's short time of fun was over, as he buried his head in his hands, drenched in the wine of guilt from head to toe.   
  
  
  



	3. The Twisted Chronicles of Neville Longbo...

A/N: please do not be confused…. Just follow the "rewindings" and "fastforwards". Pretty self-explanatory from there on. Thanx to my oh, most devoted reviewer and talented writer Rita Skeeter, and I will listen to all my reviewers comments and concerns. (KittyAngel and Starfig).  
  
*Okay…. REWINDING…..all the way back to scene one, chapter one…….*  
  
Hermione slammed the door, after she had pushed Harry down the steps onto the front lawn. Tears were welling in her eyes but she quickly rubbed them away with the back of her hand. That Harry! How could he? They'd always been closest companions, and he had been so understanding……until his later teenage years(creepy music, please). I can change him, I know I can! Hermione thought desperately. She would never forgive anyone this easily except for Harry, even if she didn't show it. Hermione racked her brain on a plan to get Harry to love her like he used to in the ancient times. Suddenly, a wide grin spread across her face. An evil grin. A Neville on drugs grin. Ah hah! I have the perfect plan…..  
  
"Dearest Seamus…." No, no, no. "Seamus, my love" hmmm. Not dramatic enough. "Seamus, my darling love of my life…" (Ah hah!) "Oh, my heart would shatter if you never noticed my existence. Please say you do, my love, for I have never felt this way for anyone but you ever since our first year at Hogwarts together. That horrible Harry took me away from you when he told me he loved me, but I await to see you again in the the university of MLAP(Magical law for advanced pupils), also known as the university of Muggle-borns Lost Among Purebloods. Please write back and say you love me! And I hope this doesn't sound too forward, but, marry me !" Ha, ha! Harry will be bursting with jealousy if Seamus really does accept this! How fortunate that we will all attend the same college….  
  
***  
  
Okay. FAST FORWARD…….  
  
"Hello, sir. Can you please direct me to Hepsiba's Books?" "Make a left down knockturn alley, and go straight. It'll be on the right side of the street." "Thank you."   
  
5 minutes later: "Are you Hepsiba?" "What do you think, boy? It's called Hepsiba's Books, isn't it?" "Yes, well, anyway, can you please direct me to dark arts for begginners books?"  
  
Neville followed the plump woman down the aisle until they reached the perfect section. The woman turned and looked at him thoughtfully. "Judging by your looks, boy, seems like you need the most basic book in the section." Walking past the "Dark Arts for Dummies" books, she finally seemed to land on the perfect one. Handing him The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Dark Arts, she walked off chuckling. Neville just stared at the cover, utterly offended. Oh, well, he was used to this… All he needed to do was get a few more books, and spell books, and then he would be ready. Most wizards learned the dark arts in a lifetime. He promised himself he would try to learn it in a year. Secretly. I'm smart. Just, uh, I never show it. Yeah, that's it. And he just kept telling himself that.  
  
***  
  
"Boy, it feels great to be away from the Dursleys!" Harry smiled to himself, unpacking his belongings into his room at the leaky cauldron. He had already gotten a letter of conferment back from Ron about getting picked up, and they would both ride the Hogwarts Express to the Magik Express train, (a station hidden by more magic behind the Hogwarts school that would arrive at the local university they would attend.) Harry had succeeded in pushing back his guilt about Hermione, and went downstairs to pick up the latest issue of The Daily Prophet.   
  
  
Confection Catastrophes  
By Rita Skeeter(that's you , brit!)  
  
….. "Just Last week, a nineteen year old boy   
was taken to the hospital for devouring too   
many Eardrum Exploding lollypops…..   
he now has a hearing deficiency that will last him the rest of his life…."  
"Oh, brother," Harry rolled his eyes. "That Rita Skeeter----what a waste of paper she takes up…"  
About to go back upstairs, he heard a crunching noise. Looking down, he realized he'd stepped on a small  
beetle. Dangling off the top of its cracked shell was a pair of miniscule spectacles…..  
  
  
A/N: (Britney, I'm sorry about the ending. Believe me, it has noooo reflection on you! I just thought you might like it…..or not! Well, at least you're in the story! Don't worry, I'll make it up to you! ) Okay, so it was a weird ending. But if you keep reading more chapters, it will actually get more exciting. Trust me. That's the way this world works: You have to get past all the garbage to get to the good stuff.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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